Previous Entry Share Next Entry
With friends like Jordan, who needs enemies?
FA Icon
I'm finally starting to catch up on life and on March 4th my last mid-term will take place and I will be FREEEE!!! Kind of. Anyway, to relax I have decided to tell you all a tale of woe, tragedy, epic fail and good fun times.

Journal title quoted from Lephiro who made the comment when we were talking about a Left 4 Dead campaign we went through recently. The.greatest.campaign.EVER.

And it was all due to Jordan's awesomeness!(or lack thereof)

For those of you that haven't heard of the game, Left 4 Dead is a very simplistic/idealistic rampaging zombie game that is all the rage. It's about four average Joe kind of people that are running through cities completely flooded with, you guessed it, zombies. Your goal? Kill them. And get to a place where your ammo supplies are no longer an issue(AKA A place without zombies).

"RELOADING." Mother of christ, I hear that too often.

SO. The quickie stuff you need to know before I start. I shit you not, when I play this game I am nothing more than Tank fodder. We call me a Tank magnet for a reason. Don't know what a tank is? Take a gander at this ugly fucker to get an idea. What does he do? Death, lots of it now.

And they LOVE ME. I must have a newb flesh steak tied around my neck because they never lay the fuck off. For instance, my sister and I are camping out in a closet while floods of zombies come rolling in and the two NPCs are right in front of us. We hear the horrendous roar and feel the thundering gallop of a tank coming. Lephi says, "There's a Tank coming! Where is it?!" My reply was, "It doesn't matter, it's coming for me. Just wait." How that fucker managed to get his ass in a closet I will never know. Even better, this is the path he took to GET to me:

Be sure to keep all of this in mind for the rest of our glorious tale.

Tom in his super-awesome-coolness pops in one day while Jordan and I are hanging out at Lephi's place and tosses to us a copy of Left 4 Dead 2!! OMMMGG WWWHOOOO JIZZFEST VALVEFANGIRL FREAK OUT TIME! And we freakt out and we play and play plaaay for super awesomeness!

Jordan says she's played the game before, but I don't believe her. Actually I wouldn't believe her if it weren't for the fact that she's actually good at the game. Instead I think she just gets sick of killing zombies, which leaves her with one thing left to blow up/murder.

Me. A lot.

We end up in some godforsaken swamp and part of a destroyed plane and like most of LFD2, you press something that makes some god awful noiseand summons the horde. For those of you that don't know that the horde is, here's a good idea:

Now times that image by two and you have what we're dealing with here. Even better, my ex-lover starts charging his way from a billion miles off.

Me: Tank's coming!
Jordan: Where?

Okay. So my word choices are not exactly revealing, but here I am sitting on the wing of a plane with a bunch of infected crawling up my ass, out of shotgun ammo, with with Mister Muskels rushing at me to bang my face into some metal 'cause he likes the ring.

He does just that. My little magnum is no match for Ape Man and he thoroughly grounds me into a pile of dust before moving onto Jordan.

But Jordan DOESN'T get beaten all to Hell(he only does that to his special love ladies like me). Instead he throws her ON TOP OF the fucking plane! It was truly nuts. So Jordan says, "Hey, this is cool! I think I'll stay up here!"
"Uh, no please? I would like to get up now." I say this as I stare at fifty different pairs of zombie boots that continues where my BFF left off. With only my magnum...(I hate that gun)

BUT WAIT. IT GETS BETTER. She actually does manage to get my up and I run like my ass is on fire off of the wing and to the ground so I can get a better shot at the mass of evil sitting up there.

Then Jordan says, "Throwing a pipe bomb!" She forgot the "AT YOU" part on the end.

Me: Hay, there's a blinking light at my fee-OH GOOOODDD WWWHHYYYY?!?!?!?

After two attempts at my life we decide she truly is out to kill me.

I can't remember the third attempt, but the fourth was the final straw. Shrunken Head Man pops out of a door that Jordan opens up and WOO! HE DOESN'T COME AFTER ME! He's dead set on Jordan and I'm right behind her and I'm like, "WOO! I got your back Jordan!" BLAM BLAM BLAM!

Then at the LAST second she does a sudden ninety-degree walk off, making my buddy go "OH HEY IT'S YOU!", so he proceeds to fuck my face as usual. At this point Lephiro, Tom and me are all, "OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL JORDAN." and I proceed to go on a rampage of killing HER instead.

It ends rather miserably. I do manage to drop a couple of gas tanks at her feet, tell her to hold still and burn her in a fire, but for the most part totally failed at any hidden attempts to beat her ass without her knowing it. Like I walked into a dark room completely off route at one point and Jordan just asks, "Hey, what're you doing?" I wait quietly, for next to the doorway I see a propane tank! Woo! INSTA-EXPLOSION!

...I really wish I had noticed that there were TWO gas tanks. More than that, I wish I had noticed the two people coming through the door were just the usual NPC fodder following us around like puppy dogs.

BLAM. BBOOOOOMMM. I'm at five health. D: But the Meat Shields do heal me up.

The story ends with one of the funniest images we had in game(I REALLY wish we had recorded it). We're about to end one of the campaigns and fight the horde after setting off some evil blaring sound whose off-switch is most likely in Canada. I usually gear up for battles like this by strategically placing some gas tanks. Jordan's standing in a doorway, the perfect place for a gas tank, and I come up on her.

Run up. Pause. Drop gas tank at her feet.

JODRAN: OH GOD NOOOO. *runs like crazy*

WAHAHA. At least I struck the fear of God in her in the end. All in all it was super, SUPER fun times! I hate FPS games, but this one is by far the most entertaining one I've played, both for the super FPS player and the layman. And Jordan gave me one of the best FPS stories I have to date. So kudos Jordan! I bow to your awesome fail that makes for such humongous laughs.


Log in